maybe not

Maybe it was meant for me, maybe it wasn't. Either way, I chose to be happy, knowing that you're happy. Haaaaaaaaaaahh.

drowning

I'm drowning in a world of hate,

created by myself.

There's really no escape,

and i'm the one to blame.

All my memories,

circle around and torment me.

The red string is way past broken,

so is everything I see.

- Broken Mask

hope

The silence is killing me. I have no expectation except for things to remain the same as they were before. I confessed, and that's that. I'm fucking happy I was drunk enough to do that. Now I'm off to be because I'm fucking sleepy.

Saatnya

Tidak, masa aku belum tiba. Aku belum sedia, jauh dari sedia. Beri aku masa.

texts and smiles

Although I've lost hope but her texts still makes me smile.

a lie

Save yourself the embarrassment and act as if you're not interested at all and there's nothing more to this than  a favor for a friend.

whyyy

Business as usual

Strictly business. I need to remind myself of this.

Pintu bukak pintu tutup

Letting go can be hard. But I did it, and now, focus! *seru semangat*

vici

Another conquest, and the interest quickly wanes. Only one can satisfy the need, alas, that one is beyond my reach.

Mimpi

Menangis. Teresak-esak bagai bayi tanpa ibu. Kecewa, hampa, sesuatu mengganggu jiwa. Terbangun dan tertanya, bayangan masa depankah ini?

persimpangan

Hati yang keliru. Mahu tapi tak mampu. Mengejar dalam diam, sendiri manruh harapan. Ah hancus.

guilt

All she said was thanks. But the guilt in me makes me hear things, things she'd never say. 

hey you

I want you, I do. But I don't think you want me too, and I don't think you'll be happier with me than when you're with him. Sigh.

dream on

Oh how I wish I'm the one for you. How happy I'll be, even with the worries of the future looming ahead. Question is, will you be happy too?

3.16 and still can't sleep

Esok rehat. Finally. Sumpah letih, siang malam kerja. Tapi, well, sacrifice lah sikit kan. Esok Nawwar start SPM. Hope she doesn't make the same mistake I did. 

it's me

It's not about you, never was. It's about me finding answers to questions that I have been asking myself for such a long time now and yet, always to scared to try to find the answers to. You're just they key, the one who made it possible to answer them. Trust me, this revelation hurts me more than it hurts anyone else, you included if you're even hurt that is.

free happiness

I don't know what to talk about, but I want to talk to you.

Sorry and I mean it.

The thought that I disappointed you saddens me to no end. 

Gabra

Why is it bila kau tengah gabra nak pujuk gadis comel dari stop nangis, English jadi berterabur and kau awkward gila tak tau nak buat apa? Confident my man, is something you should polish up on. 

Ketul

Aku tak rasa six pack boleh buat dia jatuh cinta. But hey, at least you tried. Fuck yeah I'll cheer to that.

Sebak

Manusia semua ni tak faham, aku sayang semua. Bila semua dah masuk syaitan, gaduh macam ni, semua tak faham, aku yang keras luaran ni, dalam hati dah sebak, bergenang air mata. Kita keluarga, aku sayang semua, dalam aku kasar macam mana pun, hati aku lembut dengan keluarga.

#tilljannah

Fokus pada satu destinasi (dia), istiqamah dalam mencuba, jujur dalam berusaha, sabar menunggu peluang, redha pada takdirNya.

a friend

I hate realising how much we actually have in common, hate the fact that I have to be extra careful from now on not to show that I know, I freaking know we have a lot in common. Goddammit. Sneaky me, wanting for you to stay close, and thus, I shall remain to be the perverted but shy smartass.

nota

Jiwa muda, darah muda, tapi sumpah, kadang aku harap hati tua.

Lima tiga tujuh pagi. Mata hadap laptop, jari tekan papan kekunci, hati, hm, hati mula tak keliru.

Tiga nota, satu untuk harapan, satu untuk nafsu syaitan, satu untuk impian terkubur.

1.
Kau, kau tak faham, and kau tak mungkin faham, sebab kau takkan tahu semua ni. In our current situation, kau victim, not the other way around. Aku dalam diam, pindah semua rasa cinta, rasa sayang yang pernah ada pada semua yang lain pada kau. Semua yang aku buat setakat ini, walau pada mula tanpa ada niat, kini aku faham, usaha hati untuk ubati diri. Perlu ada satu sahaja untuk aku fokus, jadikan destinasi, untuk aku sendiri capai peningkatan diri. Baiki kurang, segala flaw dalam hati, dalam jiwa.

Musibah kau, a blessing in disguise bagi aku. Pembuka jalan, untuk hati ingat kembali apa yang pernah hati mahu, apa yang kini hati rindu. Nope, no worries tho, bukan kejar cinta. Celaka diri ini kalau itu yang aku mahu lagi.

2.
Hey, sahabat, bekas crush 2 tahun aku duduk sini, thanks. Nasihat kau, aku terima, aku pakai. Tak perlu semua rasa hati dedah sana sini. Biar garapan jiwa, kekal untuk tatapan diri, dan kalau jadi luahan, biar dalam tanpa bernama.

3.
Hey, bekas tunang. Tunanglah sangat. Lies by any other name are still lies. Aku penipu, kau penipu, semua kita tipu. Kita kalah, aku kalah. Kita tipu semua, tapi diri sendiri masih tahu apa benar apa salah. Aku pilih untuk undur diri, bukan salah kau. Kau cuba, aku cuba, tapi kita tak dapat undur masa. Semua salah silap, benda dah jadi, biar dah jadi, moga kau jumpa bahagia. Persetan semua yang tak tahu cerita tapi bercakap macam dia pulak yang jadi awek aku, phui, biar. Aku tahu, kau dah cuba. aku sedar. Dalam minggu minggu akkhir, aku nampak, usaha kau. Tapi dah terlambat, hati dah tawar. Biar. Cari bahagia kau, cari yang layak. Bukan aku. Kau berhak yang terbaik, yang dapat bimbing kau. Bukan aku.