Dreams

I believe that dreams are there to distort known reality towards that which are more favorable to you,  a goal of sort to achieve on your way to your destination.

But I dream of a god,  an omniscience omnipotent all powerful being,  constricted not by the limitations of men, free of worldly chains except for his own desires. My dreams are too big too unbelievable even for me, I dream of becoming a living God, master of my own destiny, master of that of others.

My dream, my only real dream, is my un-arrivable destination.

Child

I think you're too childish.

You and your temper tantrum. You and your threats. You and your never-ending strings of broken promises.

You're a spoiled brat. And my love has been wasted on you for far too long.

bubble pop

I guess in a way I'm kinda addicted to living in this bubble.
What a wishy washy sentence, I know. Ignore that please.

Anyway yes, addicted because I know that this is stupid, I know that this is not real, but the complacency and false contentedness is just too hard to let go of.

Why run into harsh reality when I can still enjoy this feeling of uncaring, the jadedness towards a future that's bleak.

It really is easier to fall into imaginationland and really just think of all the good thing that could happen.

This bubble might pop soon, but for now, let me be.

Sigh.

Tenggelam

Mungkin aku belum matang.
Terlalu cepat marahnya datang, terlalu cepat sabarnya hilang.
Atau mungkin ini hanya baran.
Atau mungkin ini bukan semua di atas, hanya aku yang cuba hilang dari rimas dan lemas.

Ini bukan isu lari dari tanggungjawab.
Ini cuma rimas, bila dipaut dan di tarik makin dalam, aku lemas.
Tenggelam, itu yang aku rasa, sesak nafas, itu sebabnya aku mahu hilang.

Bagi aku masa, bagi aku ruang.
Bagi aku peluang untuk bernafas bebas, untuk hilang serabut di kepala.
Tempatmu di samping aku, bukan di belakang.
Wajarnya kau bersama di tepi, sama mengharung, bukan menarik aku kembali ke belakang.

Ini amarah, ini geram, ini aku memandang rendah.
Maki hamunku kasar, nadaku lantang, bahasaku jauh dari indah.
Tapi cuba kau diam, cuba kau dengar, cuba kau sabar bila aku juga cuba bicara dengan lembut,

Fikir, biar otak cerna apa lidah aku bicara,
Buang ego, biar kita dua bebas dari belenggu lenggok lama.
Biar kita dua matang, mungkin nanti baru kita ada peluang.

The French Lieutenant's Woman

I think the way John Fowles wrote The French Lieutenant's Woman is beautiful.

Be it the careful wording, the structure of the sentences, or the feelings they provoke, beautiful is the only adjective (that and its many synonyms) that I can think of that would befit them.

Alone on its own, or accompanied by random music, even the most grating, the beauty lie undiminished. This I can attest to, my playlist suddenly jumped to Nate Ruess' Nothing Without Love when I was on the eighth page of the story. Not to say that the song is on its own something I find disagreeable to, if it did it would not have found its way into my playlist, it's just that coupled with mood that the story was making me feel, it is somewhat vile to the ear and rotten to the soul.

Maybe it's the novelty in having read a different sort of writing, as compared to the rather straightforward way the translation of the chinese light novels I have found to grow fond of these past few months are written. Maybe, this I could not deny now, perhaps a further, or finished, reading would prove this to be so, but at the moment this feeling of contentedness is more than enough to sate whatever need for beauty that I have,

Red string

I would take you in.

Present, past, or future, 

I would still take you in.

Whatever karma we've sowed between us, 

They're now unbreakable bonds living still within my heart.

Come what may,

You'll always find a home in me,

Even if you still can't see it.

Friend,

Words don't come easy, 

Tongue won't speak all that I have to say,

And thoughts about us rarely do show in my actions.

But come what may,

I'd always take you in.

updating for the hell of it

Inadequate.
That's what I feel right now.

Been awhile since I've last written anything here.
Life's okay, just okay tho.

Pretty busy right now, supposedly lah,
But here I am on my back staring at my computer screen with my research on hold.

Lover's lane ain't what it used to be.
That's more than enough to explain everything, that and this post, or rather the boredom that led me to writing this, not the content.

So many roads to choose from, the future's not bleak but it's still shrouded in fog.

titik

Bila baca tentang titik; titik bahagia titik derita titik bermula dan penamat, aku bingung. Bingung dan kangen pada apa yang hilang, pada apa yang pernah ada, pada apa yang pernah aku panggil aku yang punya.

Kerna pada suatu masa, aku pernah jadi titik.

Jadi harapan, untuk jadi titik penamat derita dan titik bermula bahagia.

Titik untuk dia, yang aku lari pergi dalam berlari.

revolusi dusta dalam nota

Kau, puteri putar belit alam. Apa kau kata aku fikir mungkin semua ada tercalit dusta.
Pada mereka kau cakap lain, pada aku kau senyum dan tikam.

Biar. Aku rela.
Kau takkan faham, rasa menang bila diri berkorban. Ada rasa puas bila tahu prinsip diri tak pernah hilang, walau dalam hina, caci kata kau lempar di belakang.

Ya aku rela, jika dengan itu, aku boleh yakin yang apa pernah aku rasa itu bukan dusta.

Jika dengan itu, aku boleh yakin yang itu cinta.

dakwat kekal

Aku tulis, aku padam.

Aku tulis, aku conteng bagi hilang.

Itu, tulisan. Nukilan jiwa, terbitkan atas kertas.

Tapi, ini, ini rasa dalam hati.

Ini aku punya perasaan.

Bukan boleh conteng, bukan boleh padam.

Bukan ada magik, boleh terus buat hilang.